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I just want to be happy I just want to be happy I just want to be happy I JUST WANT TO BE HAPPY!!


Today in biology they were talking about cold-blooded snakes that sleep curled up in a ball because they can't get warm. I think I've felt like that all my life.

People use the words hate and love like they still mean something. Nothing means anything. It's all talk, all quiet lies, all masks. No one is honest. No one that has ever been born has ever been honest. Honesty doesn't exist. Only fear exists, and fear breeds everywhere, and everything comes down to fear.

People don't hate things, people don't love things, they're all just scared of things to different degrees.

Filtered to Sisterhood -- then PRIVATED --

I wish i was homeschooled.

with you guys there as well, and not at home. in fact I just wish the holidays would last forever. except I don't wanna be home all day there either. I dunno. I guess i don't wanna be anywhere, except whever you guys are.

EDIT: God that post sounded so STUPID and sappy. Gloria would eat me alive for it. -_-


Just why do they say
Have a nice day, anyway?
We both know they wouldn't mind
If I just curled up and died

Stupid song.

I have to have see a shrink now. To shrink me? I don't know... why do they call them shrinks anyway. I don't know. I don't know. That's my motto now. I don't know. I don't know.

It's expensive. I wasn't supposed to hear that. It's expensive, but it's just talking, and I don't want to talk, because I won't get anything right. I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME WHY IS ANYTHING WRONG AT ALL?

It's called depression. Um, clinical. As oppose to... not... clinical? Outside the clinic, real-world depression? I don't know. I have pamphlets. None of it seems like me. I don't like thinking I can find myself in a pamphet.

Find myself. I hate that phrase. I'm right here.

I don't they can put a label on it and look me up in a book. That's not me, it's someone else. Maybe it's everyone else. But it's not me and I hate it. I don't have it, I won't accept them calling me that.

My arm feels heavier than my other arm. I can't stop picking at the scabs. It freaks Dad out. Silva keeps pulling faces. So I just do it in the bathroom now. Pick pick pick. I don't know why I do it. I always liked picking scabs. I thought everyone did it. I guess not.

I'm taking pills now too. They're green and purple. I'm not hungry at all ever. Loss of appetite is a side effect. A side effect of what? I don't feel any different. Just less hungry.

I don't want pills. I just want someone to say... actually I don't know that either.

I just want to be normal.

I'm just going to keep trying to be normal.

Filtered to the Sisterhood & Zoe

My Pa's in hospital.

The circumstances are really really weird.

The hospital rang at two this morning and we drove in but me and Sil weren't allowed to see him because it was way after visiting hours and he wasn't critical or anything so we waited in the waiting room while Silva's mum went in and tried to listen to the staff talking and Sil overheard them talking about how he'd just had a big blood transfusion.

And you know what that always means on Buffy.

And I snuck in, because Silva's better at distractions than me and I wanted to see my Dad and Silva was right because he had this great bandage on his neck.

And I just bet I bet there are teeth marks under it, because there were no other wounds on his body.

And I don't like this one bit.

Pa is suffering because we're getting too close to the truth.

Jun. 10th, 2007

I'm sick of being sick, and I'm sick of sleeping all day and still being tired and I'm sick of reading and I'm sick of all our music and I'm sick of tv and all our videos I'm sick of the internet and this has been the worst boringest stupidest weekend ever.
Happy Birthday Silva :)

See everyone tonight. I've made ice cream.

Trapped in purgatory
A lifeless object, alive
Awaiting reprisal
Death will be their acquisition
The sky is turning red
Return to power draws near
Fall into me, the sky's crimson tears
Abolish the rules made of stone
Pierced from below, souls of my treacherous past
Betrayed by many, now ornaments dripping above
Awaiting the hour of reprisal
Your time slips away
Raining blood
From a lacerated sky
Bleeding its horror
Creating my structure
Now I shall reign in blood

Tracings from Gaiman's SandmanCollapse )


Even Zoe has her period. Zoe and Silva and I'm months older than them both and it still hasn't happened. I bet something's really wrong with me. Something inside and poisoness and bad.
i like Saturdays. Its the longest possible time before school again. Holidays are soon though! Yay! We beat eigth grade!

The whole place here smells like pea soup. I dont like pea soup. It's very Exorsist though I suppose. And Papa's trying to make things healthy, but his soup isn't a meal, it's flavoured water. Its another reason to think he thinks we're sea mammals and not actual people. At least pea soup is better than fish soup.

I have to go down to the library and return City of Bones, which was okay. The demonhunters have this awesome magick rune tattoo things, except they're called Shadowhunters, which is lame.

I also read this awesome story set in like Arthurian times, where Merlin (i hate merlin but whatever) goes to this island of woman, and it's all mysterious and misty and beautiful. Anyway the women take on girl apprentices who learn how to be the warrior priestesses, and the rite of passage involves making a sword and part of the magic is bleeding on the sword. Except one of the girls is afraid of her own blood so is too scared to cut herself, and her friend tells her to use her womb-blood. So she does, on the top of this hill as it's all moonlight and mist. And because it's secret blood it does something different to the sword, and she fails the test because she was supposed to cut her palm and didn't, but the sword is all special, and turns out to be Excalibur. And it's cool because it's this total masculine symbol but the power behind it is really a womans and yeah.

To the library!